3 Ways to Start Building a Better Marriage Today
If you’ve ever struggled in your marriage and wished you could have more peace and happiness, then you’re in the right spot because I’m going to tell you how to build a better marriage.
At the end, I’ll share my top 3 ways to start building a better marriage today.
I’m Donald Holmes, founder of The Target Master. I had my producer interview me on my show here. You can watch the show below or keep on reading.
THE BIGGEST LIE ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS
“You complete me” is the scariest and most common phrase out there that sends shivers down my spine. It is not Biblical to look towards another person to complete themselves.
Only God can complete us.
You have to know who you are in Christ to become a happy and healthy individual. If you can do that, then you are ready to join a relationship to create a happy and healthy bond.
Marriage is not two half people making a whole. A strong, confident person is not going to want to be in a relationship with a person who doesn’t feel confident in themselves.
They will want someone who is completely comfortable with themselves. They know who they are and where they're going. They know God.
Today, culture tells us that we should be dependent on others for our happiness and validation. But only God can fulfill these deep desires.
God created marriage and relationships to enhance us, not define us.
HOW TO KNOW IF YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS HEALTHY
As Christians, we believe that wives should submit themselves to husbands, as they submit themselves to Christ. If a man isn’t fully committed, it's not time to marry him.
If Christ isn’t leading him, who is? Does he know?
Do you know?
What's going to happen to your family if he isn’t submitted to Christ?
Lying, cheating and infidelity are common problems in marriage. If he feels directionless, misunderstood or ignored then he may look outside the marriage for answers.
Having a husband that is fully submitted to Christ and knows the path he needs to lead his family down is important. A wife needs to trust her husband is equipped enough to lead their family.
A strong wife will not submit to a husband if he isn’t strong himself. They both have their individual missions in life. If their missions are complimentary to a greater vision that brings joy to God, then they are ready to get married.
If they don't match, maybe it's not time for them to be together. Maybe they are meant to be good friends.
WHAT QUALIFIES ME TO BE A RELATIONSHIP COACH
I’m a licensed lay pastor and former Marine. I joined the Marines after seeing how focused my brother became when he joined. It taught me how to be straight forward and get things done.
In 2012, I became a pastor. My faith grew very strong and I felt called to serve God in the church. I believe there is no greater calling in life than to lead people to Christ and salvation.
My background gives me the heart of a pastor and the the duty of a Marine. This helps me in my counseling sessions, because I handle each couple as a mission with empathy and love.
Now, I’ve worked with over 200 couples.
HOW OUR PROCESS WORKS
I always start with an assessment that helps me understand their communication style. It helps me understand who an individual is and what are their natural talents, tendencies, preferences, and communication styles.
When we can identify communication styles, we can pinpoint issues. This helps us create a plan to build better communication, more intimacy and a stronger marriage bond.
We’ll learn about each person’s strengths and weaknesses. It helps to identify blind spots, for better or worse! People are amazed how accurate the results are. It can surprise them… but not their partners.
Some people are in complete denial of their weaknesses. When you are in a relationship, you have to be humble and vulnerable to accept your weakness and have the strength to work on them.
That’s why couples come to me. I’m an objective third-party coach who can identify the issues, without having the emotion affect me. It’s my job to bring them closer to God and create a godly marriage they want.
We use a tool called The Relationship Map. First, you have to get to know each other. Being intimate with each other doesn’t come until later down the road.
In most relationships, people skip these steps. They go straight to commitment and intimacy. But, there's a courting process. You have to get to know each other. In this stage, you're really not committed to each other. You're just getting to know this person.
When we skip the proper steps in a relationship, it causes a spiritual barbwire.
THE #1 RULE FOR SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGES
I can immediately determine who will have a successful or unsuccessful marriage.
A major red flag in a relationship is when a couple is stuck. For example, if someone cheated and now the other is resentful and vengeful. This is a sign that there is broken trust and we have deep work to do.
If they want to stay stuck, they will. If they are resistant to change, they are less likely to make it.
If they’re willing to show up and put in the work together, they are better positioned for a successful relationship. They need to work together as a team.
FINANCE AND RELATIONSHIPS
Just because you find a happy and healthy individual to start a relationship with, does not mean all of your problems will go away.
Couples always argue about finances. You can have two people who do finances completely different.
One person may be extremely frugal and the other may be an impulsive spender. It’s good to identify who is who and have them utilize their strengths. They can lean on the other’s strengths to help them live a more balanced life.
When we're not dependent on our natural talents, you'll actually manufacturer less weaknesses.
YOUR RELATIONSHIP AFFECTS EVERYONE AROUND YOU
You may think a relationship is between two people, but it affects everyone around you.
Your family, friends and co-workers have a direct impact on your health as an individual, too. What happens to you as a person affects how you will act in a relationship.
If you are communicating poorly outside of a relationship, you will bring that inside of one.
To fix your romantic relationship, you need to have healthy outside relationships. To do this, you need to solve any communication problems to reduce arguments and tension.
Companies are prone to communication problems because there’s so many different personalities in the office. They don’t understand each other.
Your kids can tell when mom and dad are having issues. If you’re not living a godly marriage, then you're actually perpetuating a chain reaction. Kids may not be able to define it, but they can feel it.
Kids can tell if there's a lack of intimacy, trust or teamwork. They’re going to grow up and be attracted to the same kinds of relationships. They subconsciously think they can resolve any issues that you never did.
It’s an on-going cycle that can lead to bad situations like codependency, infidelity or even abuse. That’s why it is so important to build your own healthy relationship.
And it starts with knowing yourself.
3 WAYS TO BUILD A BETTER MARRIAGE TODAY
If you’re feeling hopeless and negative in your relationship, here are 3 tips you can use to grow closer to God and start building a better marriage today:
#1: Read the Bible.
You need to grow closer to God. This is the most important relationship you have in your life.
You should find a pastor that you can be completely open and authentic around. Or even a friend from church who can help lead you closer to Christ.
You need to know what God says. You need to read what connects with you to get momentum to starting reading the Bible more often.
#2: Know yourself.
The next most important relationship in life is the one you have with yourself. How can you help others, if you haven’t helped yourself first?
I can get a good understanding of how I can work with someone when I receive someone their DISC Assessment. Once you take yours, you’ll want everyone around you to take it, too!
My wife and I made our whole family take the DISC Assessment, so we can better understand everyone’s personalities and tendencies. It has completely changed our family’s interactions.
It’s improved our understanding of each other and now we are more empathetic with each other’s frustrations. So, we have better communication and less arguments.
It was fun to do, too. My daughter’s face was priceless as she denied her results. But we all knew it was exactly her personality.
It built a solid foundation that allows our authentic selves to trust each other. We are closer than ever.
#3: Get help.
Everyone needs a coach. We all have mentors. When you're looking at a stairwell and you want to reach the next level, you need help to get on the next step.
If you're walking in the dark, you’ll want a bright light to shine on the stairwell so you can see. Once you get to the next step and catch your balance, it’s time for the next level.
Even my wife and I worked with about five pastors and counselors to improve our marriage. We both work in the counseling industry, but we still need help, too. We are constantly improving ourselves.
CREATE A GODLY RELATIONSHIP YOU WANT
If you’re unhappy in your relationships, then it’s time to do something about it. Negative relationships impact not only your family and kids, but even your own life’s purpose.
If you’re not fulfilling the will God has for your life, then you are missing out on the joyful life God wants for you. God gave us all the gift of salvation to live a good life.
If you’re interested in our Christian marriage coaching to improve your relationship, please visit TheTargetMaster.com to book a free consultation.
Let's create the marriage God has in store for you.